Harry Potter and the Deathly Brows
by Rin Sparrow
Summary: This is my version on the 7th book which falls FAR from the most likely plot. Harry must face a foe more dangerous and scary than the Dark Lord himself. Rated for language and over all rude hilarity.
1. Disclaimer Slash Instructions

Hello, dear readers. It is here that I shall submit all disclaimers about this story, which, to the delight of all my fans (if any) is technically complete! Yay!

Ok.. firstly, I do not own Harry Potter in any way. As every fangirl, though, I wish I did. Damn that JKR and her creative genius!! Secondly there are some characters here that are mine, but I may change them to familiar characters to make reading easier for you people, which goes into my third disclaimer, which is also the most dangerous of all.

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

This story is EXTREMELY random! If randomness thoroughly pisses you off, don't read. If randomness is something you find amusing , than please, read on.

BUT.. before any of you can read this story you must have noticed Hermione's Eyebrows in any of the Harry Potter films. Preferable from the 4th one. Have you noticed them? No? then follow these instructions.

Put HP 4 into your DVD player

Skip to the scene where Harry, Ron and Hermione on the train to Hogwarts (chapter 4, I believe)

Get to the part where Hermione is concerned about Harry's scar.

This is IMPORTANT! Pause it! Pause it now!

Zoom in as far as possible and move the screen slightly down.

Press play and watch Hermione's Eyebrows only on her line "You know Sirius'll want to hear about this. What you saw at the World Cup and the dream."

Completion of these quick steps allows you to enjoy my story in its almost entirety.

Another warning.. there is A LOT of Hermione bashing. I also use this page to take care of all disclaimers throughout the whole story. You may NOW enjoy!


	2. Hermione's Eyebrows

It was the start of another school year. Harry and Ron were sitting in front of the fire in the Gryffindor Common Room, trading their Wizard Cards when they realized something out of place.

"Hey, where's Hermione?" asked Harry, "She wasn't on the train or at the feast or anything!"

As these words were leaving Harry's mouth, Hermione Granger stepped through the big oak doors of the Entrance Hall. She had missed the Fukkel Train leaving Platform 9 ¾ because her parents are filthy white Muggles.

Back in the Common Room…

"Who the fuck cares?!" Ron retorted. "With Hermione out of the picture, we may have some fun this year!"

"Maybe," said Harry as his mind went back to the Wizard cards. "Hey! If you give me your White Witch card, I'll give you two Dumbledores and a Snape!"

"What would I do with two Dumbledores and a … a Snape card?!" Ron asked in bewilderment. "How did you get a Snape card? He's not a famous witch OR wizard!"

Harry laughed and showed Ron the card he had made over the past summer, now that Harry could legally perform magic. The card showed a holographic Snape rubbing his man titties back and forth.

Ron recoiled in sheer horror of Harry's sick mind and Harry howled with laughter at the insane reaction Ron had on his face that only Ron could pull off.

Ron's breathing became normal again fifteen minutes later. "Harry, for that card, I wouldn't trade you Dobby's old pillowcase, Winky's facial hair and – AAAAHHHH! EYEBROWS!!!"

It was at that moment that Hermione had entered the Common Room. Her eyebrows had very good reason to scare the shit out of Ron. They were thick and twitchy. They seemed ready to jump off her face and attack.

"Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. After I missed the train, I cried for five hours because I thought that they wouldn't let me back into Hogwarts." As she spoke, Hermione's eyebrows danced across her forehead.

Harry, who was tearing up with laughter, interrupted. "So… did your eyebrows gain lives of their own after being drowned in the salt water from your eyes?"

Hermione ignored him and continued. "Then I spent two hours with my psychiatrist and she convinced me to Apparate to Hogsmeade, then walk here." She ended with a proud grin. Harry stared blankly at Hermione as Ron remained on the floor, white as a sheet.

Harry had another wise crack stirring in his brain. "So… you couldn't find time in that five hours to get your eyebrows waxed?"

Hermione stared daggers at Harry, but he couldn't tell because her eyebrows were in the way. She then stormed up to the Girls' Dormitory.

"You know," Harry shouted up at her, "You probably risked the exposure of our world by telling your psyche about Hogwarts and Apparating!"

Harry picked Ron up off the floor. He was still very pale. "I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks." Ron said weakly, "You know that, don't you, Harry?"

"Ron," Harry laughed, "You look like a ghost!" Harry then began to chant and sing, "I'm Ron the Ghost! BOO! And I Love Halloween! OOH!"

As they walked up the stars to bed, they could hear Hermione sobbing loudly.

"Oh, crap," said Ron feeling normal again, "With all Hermione's crying, those eyebrows'll be massive tomorrow morning, if that's even possible!"


End file.
